Wow I had no idea it had been this long since my last update. Sometimes when times passes by quickly it is a good thing. As for me in my journey through grief EVERY DAY just feels like another day. All of my days are running together and I have been overwrought with grief lately. I can't seem to control the tears any longer. It dawned on me today that maybe it is the season. The days are shorter the air is cooler. . . we have much less sunlight. Oh well, wish I could chalk it all up to that. Thing is I love the weather, always hated Summer and the other problem is, I don't get out any more today than I did 2 months ago! Holidays are around the corner and I hate to sound like a Bah Humbug kind of person, but I wish I could just sleep through it all. My blogs have usually always been upbeat and cheerful, and now I can't think of a single positive thing to say. . . :( Maybe this is why I haven't been posting. Truth is for the first time in probably 20 years, (if you can handle the truth) I am not on any antidepressants nor anti-anxiety medications. The one thing that kept me together through a lot of Ryan's illness and then his death was the fact I had health insurance and the doctors I used kept me on all the right drugs! Now, well I am pretty much on my own and having to deal with my illnesses in the old fashioned way since when I lost my job, I lost my insurance. (Really I think I only stayed as long as I did was because I needed the insurance.) I cry a lot. I cry over everything. I cry because I cry. I am crying right now because my heart is broken and I don't know what to do about it. Everyone keeps telling me it takes time. Well Pff to that! Today is just another day and tomorrow is another day that I am supposed to be thankful for having. Can you guess that I am Depressed? You betcha!
Okay I am going to try to share with you on a more positive note some feelings I have... Remember I said try!
I feel a kinship with anyone who has the kind of brain tumor Ryan had. It puts me in contact with someone who usually won't mind hearing about my lovely son and his battle he had with the same kind of cancer. It helps me to know I can help someone and be up front with them and tell them that preparing to lose someone you love is not easy. True, we all know we are going to die someday, but with glioblastoma, it is sooner than we can imagine. I try to tell them the important things in life are not what they used to be, and I recommend that they hold onto everything good in their relationships and just let pettiness and things of no importance leave their lives altogether. ((((( Live and love and fight.))))) Numero Uno is : Never give up HOPE because it is the only thing you have in this battle. I hope that my frankness does not upset folks. If it does I am truly sorry, but I wish everyday that someone had been like this with me!!!! No one ever asked for this battle, neither did my son or any one who has been given a death sentence like glioblastoma. I made a promise to myself that in dealing with others who have a battle like we have had that I will never lie nor deceive anyone with promises of it will get better, but I can sure be a shoulder to lean on as I need one myself a lot more often than I have one available!
Okay, I tried. . . and I do know that I am Blessed with another day to share with you and I still have a shred of Hope for a better day tomorrow. For now I will be content with that. I will find something every day to be thankful for. Today I am thankful that you are still here reading my posts and praying for my family!!!
Peace be With You!
Michelle
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